Back Up Plans // The Best Voyage

So, the last post clearly stated that there were only the two of us that celebrated the 4th of July together. And that was sort of the truth. It was also sort of a lie.

I'll start with saying this. Korea was our back up plan.

This was our real plan:

So let's get this straightened out right away! Because as you can see, we have some VERY big news! :)

When February rolled around we felt completely like we wanted to start a family. BUT due to previous health conditions on both of our parts, we knew our chances were LITERALLY less than 1%. So we went forward with faith, but we also brought along caution. A baby would be wonderful! However there had to be something else we could do, seeing as neither of us expected anything to work out.

My entire post about making the decision to teach English in Korea secretly expressed my distress over not being able to control the baby situation. That was what was so stressful about my life at that time.

I suddenly found myself reaching out to all of the women I knew who were fighting the battle of infertility. I desperately wanted to join their ranks of taking the offense and making my dreams come true. But we felt discouraged while looking into medical procedures; something said not yet in my heart. So we had our faith and every 11:11 wish possible to go on. To show our faith to ourselves we purchased pregnancy tests. They felt like a waste of money, a jab at our own heartache, but we did it. And then they sat, ever so forgotten, under the bathroom sink for two months.

On May 15th my mommy was coming down to Tucson. You can see in my post about what I was doing in my last week as a senior that we were packing up our entire existence, and she was coming to help. (thanks mom!!!!) So I naturally was getting rid of/packing up the more private items before she came (like my underwear). Steven had a final that day, so it was just me packing up before she came around, while he slept and studied just a bit more. As I started my walk through the bathroom I found those neglected pregnancy tests. Part of me just wanted to throw them at the wall. But my thrifty side refuses to rid myself of perfectly good merchandise. So without any warning to myself and more as a way to prove to myself that the heartache about not being able to start a family was justified, I took the test. 

2 lines. 

I PANICKED.

I took the other test. 

2 lines. 

I immediately hopped into the shower. Somehow I thought that would let those two second lines have enough time to disappear. What a sick joke.

 When I got out those two tests were looking at me from the counter top as if begging to be read again.

4 lines.

I ran into the bedroom, where Steven had fallen asleep.

STEVEN GET UP! I yelled.

What I'm listening...he yawned

DON'T LISTEN, LOOK!

By this time I didn't know if I was excited or angry or thrilled or embarrassed (I mean is anyone out there comfortable taking a pregnancy test???). I was a MESS. But Steven had a final. And all of the sudden I realized I had brought him the best news of his life in the worst moment possible. But he insists he still likes it. And he still passed the class. So there.

We threw out the tests before my mom got there. And I didn't say a single word to her. When she left the next day we went and got two more tests. 4 lines.

I called my ob/gyn and asked to set up an appointment ASAP. But they wouldn't take me in until June. After our Europe trip. So we scheduled an appointment for the DAY WE GOT BACK FROM EUROPE, and then went forward as if NOTHING was happening. It was just me and Steven and our 8 lines that knew the truth. For more than 2 months. Seriously, that is some secret to keep! But I couldn't tell anyone yet. Not before the ob/gyn confirmed the impossible.

We kept waiting for morning sickness, or some sure sign that I was pregnant, and nothing came. Morning after morning of feeling great, all while graduating and wandering Europe, and we were sure something was wrong.

All of the sudden our top google searches were "what hormone imbalance causes false positive pregnancy tests?" and "how inaccurate are pregnancy tests?"

We were more stressed about what was wrong with my body than anything else. Why would I be pregnant but feel the exact same?

And with that came an entire slew of emotional issues. I'll try to summarize all of my thoughts.

• I can't be pregnant, it's basically impossible.
• Steven's doctor's said he was 99% probable to be infertile.
• My doctor's stated that I would need medical intervention to get pregnant.
• If I'm pregnant why am I not morning sick?
• If I am pregnant have I been eating right? Have I been taking good enough care of my baby?
• Shoot, I am ALREADY the worst mom ever. I've probably killed my baby with malnutrition.
• I can't be pregnant, I wanted to FIGHT for that baby. I wanted to yell and scream and go through test after test, to prove that I wanted that baby more than anything else in the entire world.
• How in the world will I tell my infertile family and friends? How do I say "I just had faith" and watch them in their heartache, having all of the faith in the world, with still no results. 
• There are two women who, in my opinion, deserve a baby more than anyone, especially me, times infinity. They have fought, tooth and nail, for a baby. Maybe if I pray hard enough I can transfer my two lines to them.
• I wish I didn't have to tell my infertile friends. Can I just keep this a secret forever?
• If I am pregnant, this is the most planned for but unexpected baby ever. We wanted this baby. We bought the tests. But was this ever my expectation? No.

That's about 2 months of chaos in my heart summarized into 11 bullet points. And it is by no means an exhaustive list.

We signed our contract for Korea knowing it was our backup plan. But expecting plan B to be our only option.

When we got home from Europe and dragged our jet-lagged selves to that appointment that same day, I started the appointment by saying "Doctor, I want you to be frank with me, and tell me the truth. Don't hide any bad news, and don't try to soften the blow." She looked at me astonished at the words coming out of my mouth. And then she looked at me utterly confused and said "well, according to your samples you provided when you arrived, you're 11 weeks and right on track. Congratulations."

Cue tears, smiles, and disbelief. We explained to her all of our reasons for being ready for bad news and she joined us in our joy at our baby's healthy growth. We scheduled an appointment for the following Tuesday afternoon, June 10, for our first ultrasound. And still we told no one.

That ultra sound was UNREAL. I had one hand over my mouth and the other in Steven's hands the entire time. Our due date was confirmed as January 6th, and not only was our baby already 11 weeks, it was also totally energetic. Our ultrasound technician really had to fight to get accurate measurements. My favorite part was listening to the heartbeat, and seeing my baby's adorable profile. Steven and I fell in love with our baby that day, and all of the sudden, it was real. Nothing was wrong. Faith had prevailed. And we were parents.

We told our family slowly throughout the next week. We renegotiated our contract for South Korea, and for a while we were indeed jobless. But they decided to hire us until November 18th, when Steven and I will take the 12 hour plane ride home at 7 and 1/2 months pregnant (we're a little crazy, and we like it that way).

And it has been nothing but healthy eating and good sleeping since. 14 weeks and still feeling great!

So, in short, we'd like to announce baby Struthers, coming January 6th, 2015. ♥