Reflections // on being a mother

Falling into this roll as Eljiah's mommy has felt like finding my element. It's a part of me that I didn't know existed, and existed so strongly. I am confident and comfortable and tired, and it feels like success in every way.

Last night Steven asked if I had a good day, and if I had achieved everything I wanted to. I looked at him and said that I had intended to steam all of the breast pumping gear and do the dishes, but I did clean up the living room and wash our bed sheets. But more importantly I said, I spent time with Elijah. I could do literally nothing else with my day, but as long as Elijah has my attention and love, as long as he eats his fill and we have long moments of eye contact, that is my triumph.

Something changed completely when I realized that everything that is him was me. First I grew him for nine months, then he was born and still every shred of nutrition that he requires for growth comes from my body. Elijah is an extension of me. Or maybe I am an extension of Elijah?

We had a family outing to the mall the other day, to get Steven a new suit, and there was a little boy throwing a temper tantrum by the gumball machines. His mother had said no to his requests for the candy. I felt a solidarity to her, she is me. It's weird, I know, but I can't wait to be her. I don't want being Elijah's mom to be easy. I don't expect to be perfect. He's going to throw fits, I'm going to forget to bring clean diapers. But that's what makes it so terrific. We're growing together.

He's growing so fast it makes me dizzy. And although my days seem to revolve around his feedings right now, and nothing else really gets done, I'm treasuring every instant.