Reflections // yellow and gray

As most people know, Steven and I kept the gender of our baby "a surprise" throughout our pregnancy. But did Steven and I really not know the gender of our baby? Well, that's a long story.

Ever since we made the decision to try to start our family in early 2014 our conversations revolved around topics such as "I can't wait to take our kid to soccer practice!" and "Do you think our kid will want to be in student government in high school?" and of course the classic "Would you want a boy or a girl?"

But something about wanting a certain gender felt wrong. It felt like we were ignoring the fact that if there did come to be a baby it would be, no matter the gender, our miracle. It felt menial to focus on the gender when just the existence of a baby should be enough. Consequentially, those boy vs. girl conversations didn't last long.

We knew that focusing on what gender we "wanted" felt wrong, but there was also the fact that I have extremely charged emotions related to gender stereotyping. (For example, don't even get me started on Lego.) So before we even knew we were expecting I offered up the idea of letting the gender be a surprise to Steven. He hesitated, and then conceded.

He wasn't sold on the idea though. And the more he kept coming up with fun scenarios to talk about the more we started referring to the baby as one gender or another. It alternated consistently, and I was always quick to point out that whatever the story it applied to both boys and girls. "Can you imagine taking our little man out to ice cream after a baseball practice?" "Or our girl out to ice cream after her softball practice?" "I wonder if our little girl will want to do ballet?" "Ballet needs boys too! How awesome would his little legs be in those cute boy ballet tights?"

After finding out that we really were expecting (!) the scenarios grew into massive story lines that were incredibly fun to narrate and imagine. But more importantly, we started talking about how we actually wanted to parent our child. Do we believe in curfews? How about choosing their own clothing, and how early? When would we step in if we were concerned about their choice of friends? These questions inevitably resulted in conversations that did address the differences between boys and girls.

That's when we really started to wonder, boy or girl? But I was set on not finding out. I didn't want to lose sight of the miracle of our baby and I didn't want our baby to be subjected to an entire culture of gender stereotyping.

At this point we had moved to Korea and were starting to get anxious about finding an OB/GYN. It was well over two months since we had first met our baby in Tucson, and at that point it was too early to feel consistent movements from the baby. We desperately wanted reassurance that our baby was healthy, growing correctly, and that my body was doing all it needed to do in order to support baby's growth. With each passing day my need to know every detail of baby's well being grew, and with it I grew desperate for any details about my baby.

When we finally found Motae and were able to check up on baby at 20 weeks, I emotionally needed all possible information about my baby. ALL of it. With the ultrasound jelly all over my itty bitty bump the doctor casually asked if we wanted to know the gender. I looked at Steven and he just smiled because he knew that I had already given in, in a sense I wanted to meet my baby.

"See these white lines here and here? Those are the legs, and if you look here, this is the pelvic area. Congratulations, it's a girl."

"And you're sure?"

"90% certain, female."

In medical and statistical terms, I feel that 90% is extremely reliable. Steven and I were thrilled. We would have been no matter what he said, but we couldn't wipe the smiles off of our faces.

While we were exploring Seoul later that day we discussed if we would announce the gender, and although we were both still wary of gender stereotyping we felt that it was just too exciting not to. Finally though we both admitted to having a feeling against announcing. We didn't know why we both had the feeling, other than gender stereotyping, but it was there and real. So we kept it quiet. For a few weeks it came up again and again, to announce or not to announce? Finally we decided that we would announce it to our parents first. My parents and his parents were coming, consecutively, to Korea in early October, so telling them in person was a fantastic opportunity to give them the news. We made two signs for the airport: "WELCOME MOM AND DAD" "LOVE STEVEN, SARAH, AND BABY GIRL" they read. We intended to announce the gender publicly after Steven's parents left.

We reached the 30 week milestone while Steven's parents were visiting, and since it was covered under our insurance Steven and I scheduled a 3D ultrasound for our check up. With the ultrasound jelly all over my medium sized bump the doctor asked if we knew baby's gender yet, and we both replied "oh, it's a girl" so casually. Her reaction was so instant and visible that I knew right away.

"Wait, it's a boy?!"

She paused, not knowing how to react. I didn't know how to react either.

"Can you show us?" I finally asked.

She did, and sure enough there was our little boy in 3D. There was no 90% this time.

We had cooed over and talked to our little girl for over two months, and all of the sudden I was meeting my baby all over again. My little boy.

Steven and I went home and talked through how we felt about everything for hours. To say there wasn't an adjustment period that took place would be a lie. But it started feeling normal after about two weeks, referring to the baby as he and him. Every once in a while we would catch ourselves saying she and her, and we never knew quite how to handle those situations. I felt guilty for not being able to make the mental switch immediately. I put myself through the wringer for not being able to just sense that it was a boy-where was my mother's intuition?

The guilt was real, but so was my little boy, and the more I looked at his little face and yawn and lips and feet and hands the more I was so overjoyed to have him. That was the point of not finding out in the first place, right? To focus on the miracle of having a baby.

And that's when I fell madly in love with my little boy.

All of the sudden it made sense why announcing never felt right, because it would have been wrong. And with that would have come a slew of issues, clean up, and social grace that I don't think I was capable of producing.

Accustomed to keeping our baby's identity a secret, we only slowly started telling people the gender after we returned to the States, and we really only told select family members based on circumstances.

We have kept almost all of our preparation gender neutral. Of all of the clothing we have for baby only 2 outfits are actually gender specific, and they are Sunday clothes.

Of course, I say this, but finding gender neutral clothing is terribly difficult in our culture (read: proves my point about gender stereotyping and infuriates me) so most of the clothing we have purchased is labeled as "boy clothing" but I would gladly put my little girl in a baseball tee or a blue footed onesie, so we're considering it a win. We've gone with the color scheme of yellow and gray for everything else, and it's been wonderful. All of our toys are non-gender specific, and we love them.

Whenever you meet a pregnant mother who isn't announcing the gender be careful of your reactions, you never know what her real experiences are. You don't know her motives or her heart. And just because this is "the 21st century" doesn't mean we all need to use the available technologies the same way, nor does it mean that finding out the gender of a baby is essential to preparation.

We are so glad our little man is here, and we want him to know what he means to us; we know how much of a miracle he is and we love him profoundly. I kiss his little newborn face all of the time, and you bet I can't wait to see who he grows up to be. He is the best decision I have ever made.